8 - How we balance gaming and relationships

Gaming has often been seen as an obstacle in relationships and still is today. The real issue seems to be more towards communication around this hobby. Come and chill with us as we talk about our own experience with gaming within past and present love relationships. You might even get a few tricks on how to better deal with it in your own relationships with others!

@GettingGamers (Twitter and Facebook)

@Juke_ish (Instagram, Twitch, Twitter)

Perf: twitch.tv/perfectedl

gettinggamers.com

GRIP : https://grip-prevention.ca/

Art by Arielle:  

twitter @ProphetPossum

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Transcript

Juke  0:09  
Welcome travelers to getting gamers Your Guide to Understanding the gamers in your life. I'm your host, juke, my pronouns are they them

Perf  0:18  
And I am perf my pronouns are he him, And today we're going to talk to you about how we handle gaming in our relationship.

Juke  0:26  
Yeah. So in the last episode that you guys heard, which was pausing the game featuring DJ Wizz, we mentioned, like a bit of the door system that we use. And that kind of inspired us to talk about how we handle gaming in our relationships. And in Episode One, you guys heard my background from, like, how I relate to gaming, but if for those of you who don't know, or who haven't listened to it yet, I just, I haven't had gaming hasn't been a part of my life much until I met perf. So I have a typical background of like, the mom that doesn't know stuff, and that has to be explained everything. But do you want to tell us a bit about like your background with gaming?

Perf  1:23  
Yeah, sure. Unlike your background, my very first memory. I am with my dad and I'm playing Mario Bros on his lap. So I've been a gamer forever. Almost born and raised. I could say it's only evolved to me becoming a real gamer over time, or at the age of 10 or 11. I was already playing computer games. Most days I could, strategy games like, I don't know, maybe some people know this series. It's a Command and Conquer. It's much like Starcraft and Warcraft. But it's a older company.

Juke  2:11  
It's fascinating to me, because you say at 10 or 11 you were playing that game. That's  Starcraft like

Perf  2:18  
exactly.

Juke  2:21  
which means it's an RTS. When I was 10, or 11, I didn't really have full access to a computer yet, because we only had like a household computer. I didn't have my own laptop yet. I got my first laptop like soon after that age. But at that age, I didn't have my I didn't really have full access to a computer and the computers were so slow, and you had to share them. And so I had to use a computer when people were busy, which meant no one could help me figure it out.

Perf  2:56  
Yeah, I guess you were unlucky on that. But yeah, if I'm right, your parents weren't really into gaming stuff, or

Juke  3:04  
really not. My mom is like, a businesswoman. And my dad is more of an artsy theater guy at heart. That just always had to work.

Perf  3:16  
My mom was much like you in which she was okay with gaming, but she was not that much into it. I think you're actually much more into gaming and my mom.

Juke  3:28  
Yeah, definitely developed it recently. But I would feel that your mom maybe maybe didn't understand as much the appeal.

Perf  3:36  
Nah, She'd always considered gaming way too stressful for her.

Juke  3:41  
Yeah. Which I highly relate to. If any one out there has seen me game. They understand how stressful it can be.

Perf  3:49  
she was always complaining about destroying your teeth. And while gaming because she was so stressed that she was grinding.

Juke  3:56  
Grinding her teeth. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's probably that's a lot like me.

Perf  4:02  
On the other side, my dad was a longtime gamer ish, I would say he played a lot of Street Fighter, which is a fighting game. He told us ge was very good attitude.

Juke  4:16  
I thought Street Fighter was like only arcade. Is it only arcade?

Perf  4:22  
I don't. I'm not quite sure. Maybe you guys can correct me, but I don't think it's only arcade. I think it stems from an arcade game. But there's been many versions of it. Sega maybe

Juke  4:37  
I know that name. That's a company that makes games.

Perf  4:41  
It was another console.

Juke  4:42  
Oh, oh,

Perf  4:43  
it's a very old console. And I don't think there's any more from them for at least one or two decades. But yeah, that's it for my parents. My first computer was actually in my dad's room. My dad's bedroom, which I was always running into the moment he wasn't there but he was not a big computer user,

Juke  5:12  
but he still helped you like, buy your first computer like, not your first computer. But at some point like he helped get or He helped build your computer, he helped get someone to build you a computer.

Perf  5:26  
My dad loves computers. And he's been leaving it aside for a few years now. But at my early 20s, he was building his own computer. And then in the rotation because I had my own PC too, which was always the, the his old PC , i always get the rotation. But it was always a very good build.

Juke  5:53  
Yeah. And so what was your experience with gaming in relationships, whether it be romantic relationships, or friendsh/ips,

Perf  6:05  
just before we go into intimate relationship, I was affected by gaming. not that gaming affected me in a negative way. But I was afraid of being seen too much of a geek or a nerd. So social wise, it was always something I was trying to hide or conceal. It was something I couldn't really talk about, or at least I thought I couldn't really talk about it. Since it was a big part of my life, I was finding myself to be not so much of an interesting person to be with. So it affected my social relationship quite a lot

Juke  6:51  
from what I understand, you kind of felt this stigma, there was always a stereotype of like the nerd that people would use on TV shows and stuff.

Perf  7:04  
Yeah, and for all that stigma was I didn't really know what else to do with it. Actually, I have good friends which I was gaining with. But the problem was mainly about making new friends and being interesting conversation. And any social activity really, in which I have the need to be chatty, you know me, I'm not I'm not much of a chatty person, unless I'm with a very small group I'm very comfortable with. 

Juke  7:41  
that's I think something people might not expect from someone who willingly hosts podcast.

Perf  7:48  
yeah but were talking about Gaming. So that's great.

Juke  7:50  
Well, yeah, perf is definitely laid back calm and not a chatter.

Perf  7:57  
No, I'm not. I don't particularly enjoy it. But in the context of a podcast is completely different, in my opinion. I can also share my experience, I can just have insightful conversation or even learn new things about the gaming world that I didn't really know before I actually search for it. About friends. We've been covering up in another episode. But what are we can jump into intimate relationship, I guess?

Juke  8:33  
Well, I mean, for the friendship aspect. We did you can go listen to episode three or something, which is about friendship and gaming. But for you personally, I think the gist of it was that like you, you did create great bonds, like great friendship bonds through gaming. I would say most of your close friends have had some sort of gaming related type bond created

Perf  9:05  
Yeah, that's right. Naturally, yeah. On the intimate relationship wise. I can't say I have I had any really bad experience with someone who was completely ignoring or disrespectful about gaming.

Juke  9:22  
Yeah, not I like a few friends of ours that have dated some people that were against gaming, which is mind boggling to me that someone can be just against gaming, that you gladly tank god didnt go through that.

Perf  9:38  
It certainly affected these intimate relationship almost the same way to deal with pretty much any other relationship by that I mean, it created in me some kind of lack of self confidence towards my love partners.

Juke  9:53  
so self confidence because you thought they were judging you.

Perf  9:58  
I was afraid of judgment.

Juke  10:00  
Okay, I see that

Perf  10:02  
so I was kind of pushing back this part of my life, which I wasn't sure if I could share with my my partners in fear of being rejected for it. Or do you Yeah, yeah, that that's the big part of it the the most negative way it affected my love life. And with that there were some more, some less important effects and negative effects from this whole situation where I couldn't really I couldn't really share this passion of mine with my love partners because I was thinking for sure that it was not something that was interesting for them when I could be considered on lt loss of time. And even something that could be an obstacle in a relationship. Right actually, before you never really brought up the subject in which I could actually chat about it. Talk about things that happened with my friends in certain games or even just talking about tournaments or practice or anything more serious in the gaming world that was happening in my life it's not something I'm sharing before I go with you

Juke  11:30  
but but not because your partner's asked you not to was from this place of fear kind of.

Perf  11:37  
Yeah, exactly.

Juke  11:38  
That's interesting. Fear because there must have been in your life still, there must have been negative dialogue going on somewhere in your life that you were hearing that was like creating that fear, whether it be online or at home or at school, or you know,

Perf  11:58  
whatever. Not that much. I think I think it was more of a perceived

Juke  12:05  
internalized Yeah,

Perf  12:08  
you got it very internalized from all our random tips out or just post on Facebook or anything else related to gamers specifically reflecting negatively on my love life but I I'm lucky I didn't have any partners that was completely disrespect. Yeah, that's right or against it I I had some irritating moments Whitten some of my exes that didn't understand this kind of boundary in which I'm in a game and I it's it's an important me time in which I would like not to be bothered by that. That's right.

Juke  12:59  
Yeah. Or like, in last episode, what we were talking about not being able to pause the game.

Perf  13:06  
Yeah, it's something that some of the partners out there don't necessarily understand. These people should actually listen to our podcast. Yes.

Juke  13:19  
This is the This podcast is made made for you guys.

Perf  13:22  
That's right. Because we're covering it. Yeah. Yeah, it's more it, you know, it creates some of these moments where you're, you're focused in a game and you you have your girlfriend in the background, just poking, literally poking you for attention. And not not not talking about something interesting or something urgent or something serious, just, like not even just being there poking, actually waiting for me to get her attention. Yeah. And get off so that that is disrespectful by my standards.

Juke  14:05  
Mm hmm. Yeah. I get that. Um, I think we could jump into how we kind of approached the subject and decided to handle it in our relationship.

Perf  14:17  
Sure. I think I was surrounded by it kind of happened very naturally.

Juke  14:22  
Yeah, exactly. But I think so I think one of the big things is that we, we didn't meet in a very normal way, like, we didn't meet at school where we would see each other once in a while and hang out, and we didn't meet like at work where we would see each other and hang out after work. It really went from We met at a festival spent a weekend together at that festival. And then we live two hours apart. So once we wanted to see each other again, it wasn't like hanging out for an hour afterwards. He was like, I'm coming to sleep over to your place because it's a two hour car ride. So I think that really immediately put us in a dynamic of seeing how the other person lived. And like, there's no, like, I've had that moment in past relationships, this awkward moment of like, you need to bring a change of clothes, because you know, you're going to sleep there. But you don't want to look like you're bringing a change of clothes, because it's not like discussed that you're going to sleep there. And you don't want to start leaving a toothbrush yet or whatever. But in our case, it was like, no, yeah, I'm coming over with like, two bags worth of shit, because I'm sleeping over for two days, or whatever. So

Perf  15:41  
it was just very natural.

Juke  15:44  
Yeah, so but I think that immediately put us in that space of like, I right away, got to see. Okay, there's all like, from my first real date, which was the first time we saw each other after the festival, I knew that you always have a Xbox controller on your desk, that's constantly plugged in like that USB port is not usable, because there's always a gate, you know, and that, that I knew from our first date, not because you told me but because I thought, you know, like all of those things. Like there's, I knew from our first date that there was gaming posters in your bedroom. You know, this is not something I discovered the first time, like, after three dates in or whatever, you know, like I knew all of this right from the start. And we met, like, on the time when we met we, we talked about watching Lord of the Rings together, so we like bonded on

Perf  16:32  
geeky stuff. Yeah, right off the bat.

Juke  16:34  
Yeah. So like that, obviously hoped. And I think what also helped is that I did a lot of not, I guess, growth before meeting you on it says that by the time I met, you already understood that gaming was more than just a, like, a time filler. Like I understood that gaming developed, like skills. Like, yeah, it's fine motor skills and stuff like that.

Perf  17:06  
Yeah, but all the things we're gonna cover it but though, that we've covered in the benefit episode,

Juke  17:12  
exactly. I didn't like know it to that depth that we covered in the benefits episode, obviously, but I understood gaming more. And, like, I've been in a lot of relationships where, like, I've dated, mostly introverts in my life. So I've, I've, like had, at some point in my life had to just wake up and understand that like introverts need alone time. And that doesn't mean they don't love you, you know. So like, I've understood that

Perf  17:41  
they're very important, because I think there's a lot of people that doesn't understand it, or doesn't respect it, or just doesn't want to understand it. Because not because but it's very important to understand. And for all the people out there that are unsure about that we love you, even though we need a lot of time. This is not even a question. It is that we needed to recharge, we needed to empty our minds and be able to be fully there for you. on all the time that we're not playing.

Juke  18:24  
Yeah, absolutely. And I think I think for those people out there who are dating introverts and who are struggling with the, the mean time that they need and the alone time that they need, because that's the thing is that a lot of people think, Oh, well, why can't your me time include me, like the partner, you know, and know what their me time it really means alone time. And I think it's a sign that, like, things are going well in your relationship with an introvert is that they feel comfortable taking that mean time and that they don't have, they don't feel the need to explain it all the time anymore, and stuff like that. That's just I feel like that's a good sign that like, things are going well. And that there's a good balance is that the person doesn't feel bad about taking their own time, because they shouldn't, you know, the same way like you shouldn't feel bad for wanting to hang out with your friends and your introvert partner doesn't make you feel bad for wanting to hang out with friends, even though that's really not what they want.

Perf  19:21  
And this kind of anxiety, of having to request some alone time. Yeah, it's stuck with me for a long time. I even talked to you about it a few times because it was still coming in into my mind that it could affect you negatively. You reassured me a few times. I'm very glad about it. You're amazing. I love you.

Juke  19:45  
Thank you.

Juke  19:48  
So we do live in a society that seems to value extroverts more,

Perf  19:55  
that's for sure.

Juke  19:56  
And I think that in a creative It's like from what I've seen, because somehow I've surrounded myself with so many introverts is that it really creates this like internalized stigma of like, Oh, it's a bad thing that I need alone time. But like, I think, especially as we all grow up, having been someone who like people used to see as a definition of extrovert, even I, at some point realized I needed alone time. And whether whether it is that you've been like you've experienced a super clingy partner, like some like I've been an extrovert that experienced a super clingy partner and had that moment of like, oh, should I need alone time, and I never thought that would happen. Or, like everybody, at some point, feels that feeling. So you just have to go back to like, when you felt that feeling, and use that to help yourself relate to the person that needs this, like, more often than you do, you know, and how you felt like in those moments of needing alone time and not being able to get it. That's how those people feel when you're trying to like deprive them from their alone time. And if they decide to game during their alone time. That is their prerogative. Like that's up to them. What they do, you can read a book, you can watch TV, you can play with your dog, you can play video games, it's still your own time. And I reckon, and I would argue that it is still your alone time, even if you are gaming, and you want to on discord with your friends.

Perf  21:35  
Yeah, because you can opt out at any given time. Exactly. Which is an actual important concept with gaming, because I've heard many of my friends saying, Yeah, I would prefer gaming and be social with a lot of my friends online, instead of going to the bar where I have to spend a lot of money and not being able to drive back home whenever they want. So it's creating unwanted or undesired anxieties. Just having to say bye to everyone. Each time, these sorts of things, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. So yeah, we are when you're ready to show us kind of freedom it gives us

Juke  22:24  
Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And I think, I think, because I understood a lot of that, going into it. And because I think for you, I mean, you correct me if I'm wrong. But it seemed like you were you were in a place of not holding back when it came to approaching the subject of gaming anymore.

Perf  22:45  
Yeah, I wanted to plug in when we were talking about when we first met at the festival. I was already working on myself, because I didn't want to let this internalized anxiety about gaming just hindered any further relations relationships in my life overall. So I want it to be more upfront when I think he's paid off in the long run.

Juke  23:09  
Yeah, for sure. I think that's exactly like the the break combo that happened is that you were ready to like move past this and kind of approach it in all your upcoming relationships. And I had made my way of work on understanding that it was more than a waste of time.

Perf  23:26  
But you helped me with it, too. You were very accepting. You encouraged me streaming you. You You also wanted to learn more about it even before you planned about making a podcast.

Juke  23:40  
I think it was more interesting for me in this relationship, because you were explaining things. So it helped pique my curiosity. I think we both have this thing of if I'm watching a TV show, you're gonna ask me what I'm watching because you just feel like knowing what it's about. You know, and I and so I think in our relationship, there's kind of that so if you're playing a game, I'm I'm gonna ask you what it's about just because I'm curious. You know, I

Perf  24:04  
feel I think we're doing great this week. It's going both ways. You're doing a few things, watching a few shows a few YouTube, influencer, different channel, pretty much every Nandan and I like asking question about what it is, what's it's about?

Juke  24:25  
Yeah. Oh, well, I think that's a great point. And something that was that I think actually helped. And that could be helpful to other couples that are listening. We really early on found a lot of fun in doing like, different personality tests and, and comparing our results and, and we would do that and then we kind of ran out of like the interesting personality test and we weren't really interested in like, what kind of pizza Are you type of tests. We were interested in that kind of actually interesting stuff. So we were like, Okay, well, there's no more personality tests. All we'll do that list of 30 six questions to fall in love that like, is obviously a hoax. But at some point years ago was like this big thing. Like, if you ask each other these 36 questions, you'll fall in love. But we were already in love. We just wanted something to do.

Perf  25:12  
That's right, because we already went through the main personality tests because I studied in this field. Yeah. So we went through them very quickly. Yeah. So we had to turn ourselves to the alternatives.

Juke  25:27  
And I would say like, it's a really good early couple thing to get to know each other. But even late couple thing, you, you still get surprised by things. And it's still interesting to see Oh, like, even if you're not surprised by any of your partner's results, because you guys have been together for 10 years, it's still fun to see like, oh, like, I know you so well, this, like, I could have answered this quiz for you, or whatever, you know, like, it's still a fun activity to do, no matter what point you are in your relationship. And it really helps open dialogue. And when we did that, those 36 questions to fall in love thing. One of the questions was, because these are questions for people who weren't already in a couple of we were already in a couple, but it was like, what's like, something you dream to do with like a future partner? Or like something you've always wanted to do with a partner that you haven't gotten to do yet? Or something like that? And my answer was someone who wanted to listen to to like to my murder podcasts, like my true crime podcasts with me. And and perhaps the answer was a partner that was game with him. And I, when he said that Well, for me, because I thought mine was super understandable. And not everyone is into true crime and murder. Serial killers, like, I like it's hard. Interesting. Yeah, you find it interesting. But it's like, it's more normal that like, I've had a hard time finding friends or that one I like listen to that stuff. But it made me sad for you to say that, because I was like what, you know, like, in my mind, because you've had, like, you've had long relationships, like, we're not, we're both not we're both not each other's first long lasting relationship, you know. So, the idea that, like you had, didn't have any partners that you could game with, when in my mind. I feel like because of social media and TV, I thought, like gamer couples were like a typical thing. You know, I thought gamers date gamers, gym rats, they gym, rats, do shoes, they do shoes, etc, etc. I was kind of sad to find out that, like, you didn't have any, you hadn't had partners that you would game with. And I was willing to try playing video games, you know, and I and I think I kind of enjoy showing people how bad I am at video games, like once or twice. Never like,

Perf  27:44  
we're getting good. Pretty good.

Juke  27:49  
Yeah, well, I enjoy getting good. But I think at first my intentions weren't necessarily that I was like, all of a sudden gonna get into a game, you know, because you were playing a lot of Resident Evil and Heroes of the Storm, which to me feel like either really intensely stressful games, or, like Heroes of the Storm. There's just really complicated for my brain. So I never like at first didn't necessarily have the intention of like fully getting into a game, but I was certainly willing to show you how funny it is when I do try to play video game at first, you know, it was, it was kind of like a fun, like, Okay, Let's laugh at how bad I am. And let's play.

Perf  28:25  
But it's fun. Yeah, I think something that helped you, and you already talked about it a little bit, is the fact that I take time to explain to you what's happening and why. And yeah, the strategies around it, and all the deepest level of gaming, because it's not just the surface is a lot more you can you can play a game for 10 years and not be on top of your game when you're still lacking some information, some insights to be a better player. I'm not saying we're gonna get there eventually. But I think it's what's making it more interesting.

Juke  29:03  
Yeah. And I think also, like, especially when you were living with zyk, you guys had so many games there. So there was such a variety of things to try to find out like, what, what I did like, what I didn't like, you know, and you were and you were curious to figure that out that that's something that was interesting to like, when you got me to play this game. And then and then I was like, getting annoyed at this and appreciating this and you were like, okay, and you can see that you really like computing and your brain like okay, so she likes it. She doesn't like this. Okay, so next game, I'm gonna make a try this, and maybe she'll and then we'll figure out you know,

Perf  29:39  
I was thinking seriously.

Unknown Speaker  29:40  
Yeah.

Juke  29:42  
That helped, you know, because like, if you had just stuck me on Resident Evil and then you told me Well, that's all I got. That's all we can play. I don't think I would have gotten into gaming as much because I fucking hate the cameras and the jumpscares and then tense, always intense, not not never calm.

Perf  29:58  
You don't know your audience. Yeah,

Juke  30:01  
but like Diablo was a good game to start me on because there's a lot of calm, empty moments. And then there's a lot of intense moments, but the intensity is never too complicated. Yeah, it's never like all up in your face. You feel like you're claustrophobic all of a sudden, because it's top down view. That's right. So,

Perf  30:19  
and just like you told me a few times, I mean, another thing that helped you being interested in gaming is the fact that I'm not only make you stay by my side and watch me play. Yeah, you know, and then I get It's okay, I enjoy watching Game myself and yeah, many different streamers. But sometimes, as I'm trying to put myself in your, your skin. Yeah, I could be it could be very boring to just be there for hours.

Juke  30:49  
Yeah, well, cuz I was telling you about, like a past relationship that I had, where most of my relationship was really just sitting, like slightly next to my partner and watching them play League of Legends. And it never really being explained to me. And I was his phrase girlfriends, so he, he didn't really know how to handle having a girlfriend, you know? So it was like, that kind of relationship. We were high schoolers, you know? So like, I was playing to prove that I kind of have like a sour taste in my mouth from from League of Legends. Because Because of that, and yeah, I think it does make a huge difference to be explained things and to be included. But also, I think I'm showing more interest. And I know, I know more what questions to ask now. Versus before I just looked like, a lot of stuff on the screen. It was hard to know what to ask. You know, I think that's, I think that's a tip I guess I would have for any gamers out there listening. Is that sometimes your partner or your mom or your dad? They don't even know what questions to ask to try to like be involved.

Perf  32:01  
Yeah, because for them, it just looks like a clusterfuck of colors. Yeah. Okay, random characters.

Juke  32:07  
And often the games like you have to make often the video games. It's like, intense sounds and aggressive, like visuals or aggressive sounds or like, loudness or, you know, so it's intimidating. And when you don't know where to look that it's, it's confusing. And I think a lot of us, we don't even understand how deep it is. I think like a lot of great examples of there's so many great examples of perf talking to me about games that I I didn't even realize it was a story behind. But I think one of the funniest examples that always makes people react is is me and Star Wars. I never I still haven't watched Star Wars to this day. But before the age of like, 1819 I didn't even understand that there was like a story to Star Wars. Like, I just assumed Star Wars was like a spaceship action movie like pewpewpew in spaceships and that's it. And my brain didn't even go further than that. Like I thought you know, like, guys go watch monster trucks is literally just monster trucks like rolling on top of each other and like smashing into each other. Like, I was like, okay, it just like, no way that's it. I was like, there's no Lord just spaceships smashing into each other. And I didn't, I didn't even think twice about it. I was just like, oh, whatever, I don't give a fuck. And then someone, I'm maybe an axe or a friend back in the day ended up starting to explain to me like, Oh, this relationship between these two characters and then this guy not realizing that it's his sister, whatever. You know, listen, it's been a long time. I don't remember the spiel, but I was like, What the fuck this story is so deep, and I never, I never thought it would be. And so that's, that's I feel like a lot of parents and partners are living that same thing with video games. So like, I guess it could be hard to bring up especially if you have parents or partners that are that have a lot of stigma about it. But if it's someone who's like, open you can just start talking about the lore and the story behind it you know of like, Oh my god, like the hour that I just played was so intense because like this character betrayed this character and and I had to do this, you know, and if you tell that to your partner, like something like oh my god, like I had to help this person because this other person betrayed them. Bla Bla and in my video game, like that's drama. That's that's gonna incite some sight, some type of evolution, you know, or interesting

Perf  34:45  
conversation.

Juke  34:46  
Yeah, exactly.

Perf  34:48  
And in most games I've played there's always some kind of knowledge or moral, moral Yeah, moral moral. Yeah, there's often a moral that can trigger some very insightful or even some situations that are parallel to the real world. Yes, I said I hated saying that, but it's the only word that came to mind right now. But anyways, but yeah, there's

Juke  35:19  
insightful stuff that happens in games. And I mean, like, Okay, if you're playing Rocket League, that's the game where you're like, cars playing soccer.

Perf  35:28  
Right? Yeah, I heard the skill cap is very high. But

Juke  35:30  
yeah, exactly. There's no lore behind that. So if you're playing Rocket League, okay, maybe there's no story behind that. But like, you can still show them like the funny like, Oh, look, I can make this car look funny or something like it try to involve them in something that they can live an emotion that they can understand. You know, if you just make them watch the screen, they won't understand. But if you tell them, oh, choose what color My car is, you know, what color car should I drive or you choose the car I drive for the next game for the next racing game? Or, you know, if they're nearby, and you're playing a game that has a lot of dialogue, and you have to choose what to say next. How about you ask your partner like, you think I should tell that guy to fuck off? You think I should help him, you know, if Dobson's there and your partner's nearby, involve them with little stupid things. And you'll see like magic happens.

Perf  36:22  
That's perfect. So we have to play RPG together. In which I'll let you decide everything. Okay?

Juke  36:32  
I tend to like when I'm when I'm watching people play RPGs. I tend to want to create chaos. When I play it, then I'm like, okay, like, I have to be good. Like I'm playing. I have to do the right thing when other people are playing. I'm like, it should be a killer Martin.

Perf  36:50  
I think you are very badly influenced by all your murder podcasts. That's what it is. Right.

Juke  36:58  
Exactly.

Perf  37:00  
Is there anything else we wanted to share about our lives together? That's include?

Perf  37:07  
I think we can just noodling.

Juke  37:09  
Yeah, I think we can just quickly go over the door method. Just because some people might click on this episode, because they just want this topic and might not have listened to the other ones though, if you're listening to this episode, because you're looking for help in figuring out gaming within your relationship, that pausing the video game episode is still really helpful. All our other episodes are still really helpful. But the pausing the video game explains like an aspect of gaming and relationships that I think a lot of people forget. But in that episode, we mentioned the door system that we use, and it comes from perfect his roommates living together. And I don't even know if this was like something that you guys sat down and agreed upon. Or if it just kind of happened.

Perf  38:01  
It kind of happened. We talked about it, but in the first place it kind of happened because it was just obvious when the doors closed. We might be masturbating so so

Perf  38:16  
leave me alone.

Perf  38:17  
I guess I'm not the only one. But I think everyone in the apartment got cats at least once.

Perf  38:22  
Oh, yeah. Yeah. No. So

Perf  38:27  
yeah, we we had, we didn't sit to talk about it, but it just became

Juke  38:34  
Yeah, and I think for me, like natural. You guys never explained it to me, but I kind of understood it. But I The moment I understood it was at the beginning of our relationships. Like I don't have a lot of living with roommates examples, and I've never had living with roommates that are close friends. And you guys were close friends. That's right. And I remember being like, oh, like, should I ask his dick if he wants to, like have supper or whatever. And you were like, like, is this door open? I was like those doors closed? And he's like, No, you really don't and, and your, your answer to my questions about zyk were often is his door open? Or is this door closed? And I was like, okay, so it means that if his doors closed, he doesn't exist. He's not home.

Perf  39:19  
by me. I can always knock. Yeah. There's a cool preposition.

Juke  39:25  
Yeah, but I remember once the other roommate, I was like, oh, should I go knock and ask if he wants to join because he had mentioned? And then you were like, Nah, his doors closed. I don't want anyone knocking on my door when I'm masturbating. You said something. Yeah. And I was like, You know what, I get it. Like if my doors close it, like, especially in a roommate situation. It means like, I'm closing myself in my bubble. And when I'm in my bubble, I don't want no one knocking on it. So if it's not really important, it could wait. You know, and I and I, I developed that muscle living like through experiencing living like Part time, I guess with you guys. And then so to continue on with that system when the doors closed, the person doesn't exist, though you can knock it there are things like it happens when I knock

Juke  
I'm still like, have supper or whatever and you were like, like this door open. I was like those doors closed and he's like, No, you were like nah. And your, your answer to my questions about zyk we're often is his door open or is his door closed? And I was like, okay, so it means that if his doors closed, he doesn't exist. He's not home.

Perf  
by me. Oh, you can always knock. Yeah, we've there's a cool preposition.

Juke  
Yeah, but I remember once the other roommate, I was like, oh, should I go knock and ask if he wants to join? Because he had mentioned? And then you were like, Nah, his doors closed? I don't want anyone knocking on my daughter when I'm masturbating. You said something. Yeah. And I was like, you know what I get it. Like, if my doors close it, like, especially in a roommate situation, it means like, I'm closing myself in my bubble. And when I'm in my bubble, I don't want no one knocking on it. So if it's not really important, it can wait, you know, and I and I, I developed that muscle living like through experiencing living, like, part time, I guess, with you guys. And then so to continue on with that system, when the doors closed, the person doesn't exist, though. You can knock if there are things like it happens when I knock on things.

Perf  
Parking issues. Something's coming for them. Yeah, anything really, but something that you have to have their attention.

Juke  
And I'm working like if this is your partner, and like, it's 6pm you guys normally eat at 7pm and you haven't decided what's for supper? It's okay to knock and say like, hey, like, when you have two seconds, can you let can when you come? Come down and talk to me about what we're making.

Perf  
I love it when you do that, because it tells me you understand my reality too. So you're respecting me. As soon as I have the chance I come back and do whatever we need to talk about.

Juke  
Yeah. So like a closed door. It doesn't mean like that. You're a horrible person for knocking like doors, those clear like, okay, it's okay to knock and like those reasons. But if you're just knocking to be like, what are you done? Well, I mean, I guess, depending on the situation, that could be appropriate. But if you're just knocking to just do random chitchat, it's not the time. And then next, if the door is not closed, and the doors fully opened, then I mean, like, I am open to being social, you can come interrupt me in and out, like, obviously, you're gonna see if they're wearing their uniforms under gaming, then, yeah, they might not be able to just stop and have a full conversation there. But they're okay with being interrupted. they're okay with you coming in and, like, kissing their forehead or whatever. Like,

Perf  
anything casual Really? And the last one was, if the doors closed, but not completely closed.

Juke  
Yeah. So like, when the door is like leaning, not leaning, but you know, like ajar, it's not snapped in, there's a crack in the door. That means I'm busy. But you can come bother me. It's not the end of the world. You know, you can swing my door open, you don't? Absolutely got a knock, you know, but announce yourself as you're swinging the door open to everything.

Perf  
That's right. So

Juke  
I'm likely not masturbating.

Perf  
Likely.

Perf  
Well, yeah, the all of this is just to emphasize the importance of developing a system with your loved one that's a gamer. The door system we have might not work for you. But the important thing is to talk about it and find something that's really working into your, your own relationship.

Juke  
Yeah, and I mean, gamer, non gamers, some of your other roommates weren't gamers, but they still used that system and a sense of the door system, you know, true. And, like, if similarly, if I closed the door in the bedroom, chances are, it's gonna be like, okay, she locked herself in the bedroom. I'm gonna give her space, you know. And also, this is not to say that, now that you've listened to this podcast, this is how your gamer functions, and that you can just act like this is how it works. Like, your gamer might not have listened to this podcast. And like, you might not know that this is our system. We're not saying that this is how gamers function. We're saying that this is a tool that we found that helps us manage gaming within a relationship. And it's, it's also working from home. This is how we help manage working from home in our relationship. The door is closed. perf is at work, you know. Yeah. I

Perf  
think it's a very good and simple system that works for in similar situations.

Juke  
Yeah. And I think, I mean, this podcast aside, I think I really made it my my mission, you know, to to be part His world like I wanted to get to know Perth and I and I wanted to be I wanted, I wanted to be the cool girlfriend, you know, I wanted his, you know, like I wanted your guy friends to be like Yo, his girlfriend's dope. So there was kind of that, but mostly, I already

Perf  
had the chance to brag about it a few times.

Juke  
But I think that's I think it's an important part of relationships is wanting to, to be part of each other's lives and wanting to know these parts, like, I didn't have to become friends with your gamer friends, to have learned this stuff, it just so gives that I did become friends with some of your gamer friends, and that I love them so much, because they're awesome people, you know, but even if I hadn't, I still could have learned to all of this. And I like you don't have to be always in each other's like social circles and stuff like that, to learn about each other. And similarly perf like, well, perf was already interested in true crime, but like, he definitely listened to more true crime stuff, by dating me. But he also started to make a lot of efforts into listening to musicals, because I'm a huge musical nerd. And that's something that I noticed that he was putting this effort towards saying, like, hey, tonight, you want to listen to a musical like, it's obviously because he wants to get to know this side of my world or are telling me like, okay, what's a band that like, we should listen to? Like, we have like a three hour drive to do for a job. And he's like, okay, like, what's a band that you think I need to? Like? Absolutely. No, because like, I think proof was like, neglected, when it comes to musical education. It's not his fault, guys.

Perf  
im sorry guys It's not

Juke  
its not your fault, you were musically neglected.

Perf  
I'm getting at least decent in mainly in the electronic music scene, mainly because of Zack, who's my music pusher? To all the partners out there that do not really understand gaming. But do you have gaming partner? Mm hmm. And in my opinion, you don't have to be a gamer yourself for a successful relationship. But I would suggest or emphasize the importance of at least taking some time to understand what's happening, ask him some question. Respect everything that's seems important to him. Regarding let's say, gaming competition and gaming with, with his friends or anything that resemble an event of sort in the gaming world. They're gonna appreciate it for sure.

Juke  
Oh, like, one easy thing to do that I did. When I started dating you was in like, you know, on Twitter and on your phone, like on the news side of your phone me if I swipe to the left on my phone, there's like, articles, news articles that just pop up. And that's like, based on interest that you put, and I put gaming in my interest there when I first started dating you. And then I would randomly like once in a while just see headlines pop up. I would never click on the articles, to be honest, those all those articles are just there for me to read the headlines. I never clicked on those articles. But those headlines about the gaming stuff, it really helped me, like, be like, Oh look, like this thing about this game you play. And I would be like, Oh, look, I heard this about this game you play with it. Like that's a really easy thing to do for you to start grasping little knowledge I give on Twitter or other social media. If you just follow some gamer accounts that like align with your partner's gaming interests, then you'll kind of start seeing things that you can be like, oh, look like this is cute. Like if you just see like a cute character from a video game and you don't even know what the video game is from. But you saw it on the on this Instagram page that you followed because it's a game that your boyfriend likes. You send it to your boyfriend like oh my God, look how cute this character is. That'll make your boyfriend super happy that like you're like oh my god, she like that's a character in the game I play.

Perf  
Yeah. And even if your your your partner is a big nerd. Like me, I was very, very much about a certain game or just gaming in general, you might still make him learn something like you did with these rare random news you're talking about? Yeah, like hardstone things like oh, this is happening for Okay. Oh, thank you. That's interesting. Yeah, that does the kind of thing that happens. Even with this small gesture.

Juke  
Yeah. And it's a proud girlfriend moment. You know, when you're like, ah,

Perf  
I did something.

Juke  
I knew. I did it.

Perf  
So yeah. Just Please don't disregard or disrespect. Mm hmm. It's, it's very painful to the heart.

Juke  
Yeah. And I mean, like communication, communication, communication. That's right. Like, I don't know how many couples have to say it, like communication is key. So just go for it, no matter how fucking uncomfortable it is just do it. You know? That's right. It's better.

Perf  
You got a mic drop right there.

Juke  
I think this is a perfect place to end the episode. I think this was a great How long was this? We talked for like an hour. I mean, with the cut, it might get shorter. But it's still dope. I mean, that's great. You guys know, the spiel by now if there's anything you don't understand, you can write to us. But you can also check out our past episodes and the website, getting gamers calm, where we have a glossary that we update with each episodes to help you better understand what your gamer is saying. Do you have anything to plug?

Perf  
I would like to plug the grip. Ooh, am I allowed to do that?

Juke  
Yeah, grip is an organization here in Montreal that does harm reduction and drug education. It they go to different events and festivals and help people who are struggling with drug use, or well not struggling necessarily with drug use, but who are on drugs and who might be struggling or who just want to talk or who want more information. It's a stigma free science based education zone. It's a nonprofit, so they really could take the donations The link will be in the episode description.

Perf  
And if there's any big parties out there, you can always ask them for to bring the booth out there and

Juke  
yeah, we've seen them a lot of the festivals that we go to, we have seen them around, and they do a lot of good in, in our city and in the festivals around our city. If you can think about like the harm reduction community in your city. That's kind of what grip is in Montreal, but better because grip is the best. As always, you can find me on Instagram on Twitter and on Twitch, at juke underscore hga UK underscore I sh I also have a YouTube channel but I haven't posted there in a while but I recently had sewed case for all our microphones and I'm really proud of it so I might make a video thinking like maybe I'll make a YouTube video to like show people how I made it because I was stupid. Keep an eye out for that but it's always juke underscore ish. Thank you guys so much for listening. Oh my God, please rate and review. Go on Apple podcast and rate us if you do not have an apple podcast account go make an account and go Raiders go on iTunes find getting gamers and radios. I beg you alrighty then GG.

Perf  
GG. I love you. You're the best partner.

Juke  
The artwork for this podcast was made by my dear friend Aereo you can find her on Twitter at profit possum and you can find her on Instagram at profits. Our intro and outro song is made by David bestehen from thespian studios.com

Perf  
job's done